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| We need to do the authority/discipline role sometimes |
"I have to be more firm, because she's so lax!"
"I have to be more easy on the kids, because he's so harsh!"
These parents may seem to be at odds, but they may actually have sort of an arrangement: when the kids need soothing, that's her department, and when they need discipline, that's his department.
Division of labor has its place and value, but in this case there are downsides: inconsistent rules and enforcement, criticism and undermining of the other parent's efforts, and escalation: each getting more extreme to compensate for the other.
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| We need to do the Soothing job sometimes |
In the peaceful space of a psychotherapy session without the kids present, or in a respectful, curious discussion out on a date even though you promised not to talk only about the kids, you can reverse this escalating problem. First of all, think about your kids and apply the "doing what works, not what feels justified" principle that will be the subject of another article here. But also try to understand the principles and actions and effects of the OTHER parent's approach. Try making a deal to practice copying the other person's approach, to increase your repertoire of parenting options, since you sometimes won't have the other parent their to play the other role. Even try switching roles sometime, maybe to have fun imitating the other parent and to have fun confusing the kids, but also to increase your flexibility and skills as a parent.
