When the other parent has a different style: copy or compensate?

We need to do the authority/discipline role sometimes

"I have to be more firm, because she's so lax!"
"I have to be more easy on the kids, because he's so harsh!"
These parents may seem to be at odds, but they may actually have sort of an arrangement:  when the kids need soothing, that's her department, and when they need discipline, that's his department.
Division of labor has its place and value, but in this case there are downsides:  inconsistent rules and enforcement, criticism and undermining of the other parent's efforts, and escalation:  each getting more extreme to compensate for the other.

We need to do the Soothing job sometimes

In the peaceful space of a psychotherapy session without the kids present, or in a respectful, curious discussion out on a date even though you promised not to talk only about the kids, you can reverse this escalating problem.  First of all, think about your kids and apply the "doing what works, not what feels justified" principle that will be the subject of another article here. But also try to understand the principles and actions and effects of the OTHER parent's approach.  Try making a deal to practice copying the other person's approach, to increase your repertoire of parenting options, since you sometimes won't have the other parent their to play the other role.  Even try  switching roles sometime, maybe to have fun imitating the other parent and to have fun confusing the kids, but also to increase your flexibility and skills as a parent.

Intro: Parenting is more than a job

Parenting is a role, a mission, a devotion, a labor of love, a life's purpose, a skill, an art, an avocation, a delight, a commitment, a set of trials, a challenge.

It can also sometimes feel appropriate to think of parenting as a job, in the sense that:
1) it involves commitment to show up and work: Parenting is something we get out of bed and do even on days when we don't feel like it, even when we are exhausted, even when the rewards are remote, even when we're not sure whether we're being effective, even when it's frustrated.
2) It is work:  Parenting includes applying labor to provide a service or product; the service is to the child and the product is a fully grown person able to thrive in the world.  Parenting involves applying a set of skills to get tasks done, which includes improving skills and adapting as work requirements change, as the child grows older or the second child has different tendencies and temperament.

This blog* will convey insights that keep coming up again and again in my work with parents as a psychotherapist, and previously as a home-based family preservation coach and then later as a school counselor.  I hope to help more people feel effective and motivated to succeed at this difficult, ever-changing role that sometimes, in our more exhausted, frustrated, futile, less confident moments, can feel like a very tough job.

*and maybe a book that might emerge from it, or a Google Helpouts service I might create associated with parenting